Catching Up Again

Since my last post, I have been in the depths of my self-induced "house-arrest". I have successfully avoided my landlady in the process, hoping to give myself some time to calm down, only that's not the effect it ended up having.

Last Sunday was my last truly coherent and "together" day until this afternoon. The continued stress and feeling "trapped" in the house, left me just short of a babbling idiot and not anywhere near functional.

Sunday, we decided since Draco and Witchlet were less than enthused about the idea of going to the local UU Church with me, that we would begin to have "classes" at home where we could learn and grow together. We had one last Sunday and it was fulfilling for both of us but a stupid disagreement Sunday night would render me worthless the rest of the week.

My personal classes stopped. I wrote the paper I mentioned in my last post, but never made it beyond that. On Monday, I was able to give Witchlet a crash-course in Tarot, then went to bed where I pretty much have stayed this week.

Last night, the anxiety attacks that I knew were coming hit me and I fought with myself all night. This morning, I was still in the throes of what I call "the little rolling ones" that usually tell me that I'm headed for the edge and that a big one is coming.

I cried last night, cried some more this morning, flipped out on Draco before he went to work, then let Witchlet's chronic attitude (she's been pissy for a few weeks now) push me over the edge at lunch.

The big one hit so hard that I came thisclose to having another heart attack. That was nearly 5 hours ago now.

I'm finally through it, even the little ones are gone, but it's left me exhausted in every possible way, sore from the chest pains and not being able to breathe and more than a little contrite and ashamed of myself for how I've been acting.

Reminding myself that I have "problems" and "can't help it" sound like lame excuses, even to my own ears, so I refuse to offer them to anyone else, especially Draco, who always seems to get the worst of my "episodes".

I apparently was still writing even though I hadn't known it until about 30 minutes ago. Thank the God and Goddess I didn't publish them. I sounded like a raving lunatic with a conspiracy theory and deleted them all.

Although I regret the need for my absence, I would rather my blog have been left untainted by my ravings, so I won't apologize for my silence. I'm endlessly grateful that I never hit publish this week.

I am, however, back (as far as I can tell at the moment at least) and will try to work on that routine I believe I've mentioned before.

I am, once again, active on Facebook as well for anyone interested in following me there.

The landlady seems to have ignored my reactions, or forgiven them, and has asked Draco to come help with some work tomorrow. I have promised both him and myself (as well as the Goddess) that I will try to behave no matter what she says.

Wish me luck and hopefully I will be here more.

Namaste,

Rayven

Left-over stress

My life went into a tail-spin last Wednesday when I saw a side of my landlady I'd never seen and realized that living on the same street as her just isn't working. I was left feeling as though my entire life and everything I am had come under attack. Since then, I have pretty much "gone to ground".

I'm not afraid to stand up for myself, but when the person in question could render your family homeless with a wave of her hand, sometimes it's better to restrain yourself.

I can't deal with another round with her without saying anything, so I've been staying locked up in the house hoping she just leaves me alone.

While dealing with "house arrest" (that's what it's felt like), I did manage to start some basic classes in Celtic Spirituality. I'm excited, but I have to admit, the very first assignment almost made me throw in the towel.

It's not that the topics are overly hard or anything (so far), but apparently, everything is going to end in writing a paper. Like a college-type paper. 750 word minimum. I'm not sure what I expected from online classes, but somehow having to write a bunch of papers wasn't it.

After talking to one of my BFF's about it last night, I am much calmer than I was about it, but I still have this paper to write, and this will probably be the easiest one. The rest will be a topic that I have to write about, including doing a bunch of research.

In high school, English was my best, and strongest subject, but let's face facts here, high school was 20 years ago and the closest I've come to "writing a paper" in those 20 years is blogging. Blogging is an outlet, not a "paper" and no one is grading me on my blog posts.

It doesn't help either that the reason I'm even taking classes is because I know next to nothing about Celtic Spirituality, so I'm completely outside my box and my comfort zone, so all I have to build from is my pagan knowledge.

I kept telling myself yesterday that maybe this wasn't the best time to start classes. Witchlet is still job hunting, we're under a good deal of financial stress at the moment, my landlady has me stressed beyond words and we're looking to be moving as soon as humanly possible to relieve a lot of that stress. Then I asked myself if there's ever really a "good time" to find yourself so far outside your comfort zone on so many levels. There's not.

Looking back, I suppose learning something new has always been nerve-racking in some ways. Learning something new that could very well change the course of your life, even more so, and I feel somewhere deep inside that I am taking the first steps on a path I was meant to follow, but that it will be life-altering in some way I can't define yet.

I'm hoping I just have a bad case of "new school jitters" and that it will begin to fade as I move further into my studies and develop my "paper writing skills" again. If not, then perhaps I can reassess from there.

I'm realistic enough to accept that my first few papers will probably not be strokes of literary genius, but I'm also stubborn enough to know that I can't just give up without even trying.

Perhaps those reading will be gentle in their criticism and I will find an additional learning opportunity that will improve my writing skills which will benefit not only my class progress but also my life skills as well as my blogging.

I never intend to turn my blog into an academic source. Although I've been encouraged throughout my life to take on a role of teaching or authority (pagan beginners in my real life have asked me to take on the role of priestess and I was encouraged in high school to become a therapist), I've never personally felt the calling to teach or to tell others how to live their lives, but I can see how improving research and basic writing skills could improve my blog as well.

I write from a place of personal experience alone, rarely quoting or referencing others, but maybe that could one day bring added benefits to those who read my words here. Who knows?

So, today I will spend some time trying to bang out a few coherent words to add to my paper. I've given the topic a few days to stew, so this morning I will reread the article, and what I've already written, and go from there. We'll see what happens. Wish me luck!

Rayven