There's a saying, "Nothing worth having is free". I don't know who originally said it, but I do know that there's so much truth to those 5 little words. There is another saying, that "Everything comes with a price" that I'm also finding particarly true right now.
Sometimes, when we are given something we have asked for, we are asked to give something in return. Sometimes, at least in my experience, we're asked for something that seems like a sacrifice, but most often, I'm left feeling like I need to prove my gratitude and worthiness of the gift.
Before the move, our situation was so stressful, so...bad, that I found myself engaged in regular prayer and communion with Diety, asking them to help us find the right place, the right environment, for our struggling family. Asking Them for Divine guidance. I listened very intently for a response in every way I possibly could and a stroke of rare good luck landed us where we are today.
Our family exists below the poverty level. Not low enough that we can qualify for any type of assistance, but low enough that most weeks, we struggle to make what little we have stretch until the next check. I often find myself shuffling bills to make ends meet and even then, it often isn't enough.
Since we moved, the Lord and Lady seemed to be asking for us to prove our worth yet again. It's been a balancing act, and some weeks have been downright scary. Our State Income Tax check should have come weeks ago, but we are still waiting. It's money that we've desperately needed, but They seem to feel that we needed to do things without it.
So far, we have. Draco's hours, which often become non-existent in the winter months, are beginning to pick up again. I've shuffled, and re-shuffled, our bills and budget until I've almost gotten our financial situation in hand. That's not to say we have a lot left over, but the bills are getting paid and we're eating. Sometimes, that in itself is a victory.
I feel like this has been an intended time of struggle in return for the help we were given. As hard as it's been, I feel it's necessary to our growth in some way.
I'd love to say that I've meet this challenge with nothing but grace, but I'm human, and although I could lie on here and no one would know it was a lie, that's just not me.
The weeks we've done without have been stressful, I've cried in frustration and shook my fist at life at times. I've searched the night sky, fighting the urge to ask Them why it has to be so hard. Many times, knowing I was paying my dues was the furthest thing from my mind. I'm not proud of the moments that I moved through this experience with less grace than I should have, but again, I'm only human, and sometimes life overwhelms me.
I do feel that thankfulness is something I don't always practice as often as I should, so I'd like to take a moment to express my gratitude.
Even though he can often be one of the most frustrating and infuriating people I have ever known, I am thankful for my soul-mate, friend, and husband, Draco. Without him, life would be dull, colors less vibrant and my sanity would surely have fled by now without his grounding Taurus energy and the fiery passion of my dragon's embrace.
Although they have caused me more pain than I ever believed possible, I'm thankful for my dysfunctional family and the lessons my relationships with them have taught me, especially the lesson of standing alone, on my own two feet. They are the reason for my bond with the Wolf spirit of my Native American heritage.
I am thankful for Witchlet, who often makes me question my abilities to parent such a stubborn and strong-willed child. She has taught me the practice of patience, even when I thought I had none left and through my struggles in parenting, I learned to walk more closely with the Goddess as I often found myself begging Her for the strength to survive being a mother.
I am thankful for the people who have come and gone in my life. Each taught me a lesson about myself, life or human nature. Those lessons were sometimes hard to learn and often left me with pain, but they were valuable.
I am thankful for my home and the creature comforts I am blessed with. As frustrating as it often is to do without things at times, I am aware that there are many people who have much less than we do that would do anything to have what little we have.
I am thankful for the small handful of women I am blessed enough to call friends. They are scattered all over the place, but each of them hold a special place in my heart and have taught me the value of acceptance without judgment and unconditional love. Without them, without the sister-hood I experience with them, I would truly be lost.
As strange as it sounds, I am thankful for my ex-husband. He gave me one of greatest gifts, and challenges, of my life -- Witchlet.
Through his abuse, I found an inner strength that I may have never known I was capable of. I learned that love does not always mean forever and that loving someone does not mean valuing them above myself. I learned that sometimes you have to know when to walk away from things that no longer serve you.
Last, but certainly not least, I am thankful for my spirituality and for the presence of the God and Goddess in my life. Through Them, I learned to love myself, how to experience gratitude and how to reconnect with my own spirit. I also learned that life is neither black nor white, but shades of grey. I learned that I could love the light parts of myself only by embracing the dark parts.
I learned that one of the most important things in life is being honest with myself about myself, even when it doesn't make me look good.
I learned that the things you don't appreciate can be taken away as quickly as they were given and that anything worth having, is worth fighting for.
I also learned that in spite of my nurturing heart, that I can't fix other people. I can only fix myself.
I'm sure as soon as I click "post", I'll think of other things I should have included, but I feel I have covered the most important things this morning.
I truly believe that we should all take the time to practice gratitude in our lives. What are some of the things you're grateful for? Feel free to share your thoughts in the comments.
Blessings,
Rayven
