Since my last post, I have been in the depths of my self-induced "house-arrest". I have successfully avoided my landlady in the process, hoping to give myself some time to calm down, only that's not the effect it ended up having.
Last Sunday was my last truly coherent and "together" day until this afternoon. The continued stress and feeling "trapped" in the house, left me just short of a babbling idiot and not anywhere near functional.
Sunday, we decided since Draco and Witchlet were less than enthused about the idea of going to the local UU Church with me, that we would begin to have "classes" at home where we could learn and grow together. We had one last Sunday and it was fulfilling for both of us but a stupid disagreement Sunday night would render me worthless the rest of the week.
My personal classes stopped. I wrote the paper I mentioned in my last post, but never made it beyond that. On Monday, I was able to give Witchlet a crash-course in Tarot, then went to bed where I pretty much have stayed this week.
Last night, the anxiety attacks that I knew were coming hit me and I fought with myself all night. This morning, I was still in the throes of what I call "the little rolling ones" that usually tell me that I'm headed for the edge and that a big one is coming.
I cried last night, cried some more this morning, flipped out on Draco before he went to work, then let Witchlet's chronic attitude (she's been pissy for a few weeks now) push me over the edge at lunch.
The big one hit so hard that I came thisclose to having another heart attack. That was nearly 5 hours ago now.
I'm finally through it, even the little ones are gone, but it's left me exhausted in every possible way, sore from the chest pains and not being able to breathe and more than a little contrite and ashamed of myself for how I've been acting.
Reminding myself that I have "problems" and "can't help it" sound like lame excuses, even to my own ears, so I refuse to offer them to anyone else, especially Draco, who always seems to get the worst of my "episodes".
I apparently was still writing even though I hadn't known it until about 30 minutes ago. Thank the God and Goddess I didn't publish them. I sounded like a raving lunatic with a conspiracy theory and deleted them all.
Although I regret the need for my absence, I would rather my blog have been left untainted by my ravings, so I won't apologize for my silence. I'm endlessly grateful that I never hit publish this week.
I am, however, back (as far as I can tell at the moment at least) and will try to work on that routine I believe I've mentioned before.
I am, once again, active on Facebook as well for anyone interested in following me there.
The landlady seems to have ignored my reactions, or forgiven them, and has asked Draco to come help with some work tomorrow. I have promised both him and myself (as well as the Goddess) that I will try to behave no matter what she says.
Wish me luck and hopefully I will be here more.
Namaste,
Rayven
